I woke up this morning from a nightmare. Have you ever woken up angry, sad, depressed? It has to be the worst way to start a day. Today, I woke up depressed. Feeling hopeless. Like there's nothing I can do even if I wanted to do something. My nightmare involved my brother. My brother and I haven't got along for a while now. He's so full of hate and anger that it's pretty much impossible to talk to him. Usually, any conversation ends up turning into some sort of attack against me. It's like he purposely wants me to be mad. Maybe he does.
One of my sisters pointed out to me that he is probably depressed, and I think she's right. Some people deal with depression by staying in bed all day and not eating. My brother deals with it by drinking, hanging out with the wrong people, insulting others, only leaving the house to buy cigarettes, among other things. I know he can't be happy with the life he has. And I would love to reach out to him, to let him know that I care about him, and that life can be better. But he's so caustic, so volatile that I know if I ever said these things to him, he would pretend not to care and would probably insult me in some way. I've tried before. I've told my mom that he needs counseling because he's heading down a dark path, and he needs to turn back before it's too late. Of course, she shut that down. "Why don't YOU ask him, then?" she shouted at me. My parents are both in denial about his situation, and my parents never were the types to like any sort of outside involvement, even though I know counseling/therapy/etc. would benefit each and every one of us.
I've told people about my brother before. "He's going through a phase," they tell me. I know they mean the best. I've been thinking that for a couple of years now, and I'm not convinced. As much as I want to believe, yes, it's a phase, he'll realize how much pain he's causing to himself and his family, a part of me is scared that it isn't. This mean, hateful, sad side is here to stay. And it'll only get worse. Nobody I've talked to seems to quite understand what my family is going through (although they don't know every little story about my family and I). I know my friends mean the best with their advice, but I feel like they can't understand. How can they, anyway? They didn't grow up with these people--I did.
I feel stuck about the whole situation. Is it a phase? Do I just sit it out? I'm scared he's going to permanently hurt himself. I wish I could convince my family that he needs someone to talk to. He doesn't want to listen to his family, and I don't think any of his friends are good people to talk to--I doubt he'd ever talk to his friends about serious stuff.
I just want my brother back.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Acne Diary
I've been watching some videos on youtube about people with acne. I was actually considering making some vlogs for my youtube account, but I'm not sure that anyone would care to watch them. Then again, there's a lot of crap on youtube, so it probably wouldn't matter. :) But yeah...I've been wanting to either write or blog about my acne problem because 1) I always feel better about things if I find a way to vent 2) I hope that maybe someone else will be able to commiserate with me, and they will know they aren't alone 3) Someone may see my stuff and have advice.
To begin, I've had acne for a long time. AND I MEAN A LONG TIME. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I realized I've suffered from it for over ten years or so. I started noticing acne when I hit puberty (around 13), and I haven't had a clear face since. I'm serious. I don't even KNOW what my face looks like clear. When I was a kid, and I wondered what I was going to look like as an adult, I didn't picture this. When I started getting acne REALLY bad (high school), I thought I'd grow out of it. I didn't think I'd be 23 and still have breakouts.
I always despised those episodes in shows where the girl or boy is going to prom, and she/he gets a "monster" of a pimple. Yeah, well, try having those all over your face. It sucks. It more than sucks, it ruins your life.
People who haven't had acne issues will never quite understand how painful it is. It literally feels like I have a bruise on my face for every pimple I have. If I have a zit near a spot on my face that moves a lot, like by my lips, it hurts every time I move my face, like a constant reminder of the creature in my skin. I'd say, however, it's a million times more painful emotionally. I've had low self-esteem for all my life, and although my self-esteem is a lot better now, it's still not that great. When I first meet someone, I think they are looking at my pimples, thinking I'm dirty or gross when in actually I'm obsessed with being clean. It really screws with your mind, and I want to be able to say that I'm beautiful and believe it, too.
But with these stupid pimples, I feel like I can't say that. Or if I do, I'm lying.
It doesn't help that I stress out a lot. I really want to work on that. I've noticed that my acne is worse with stress, as well as when my period comes along. Thanks a whole hell of a lot, Aunt Flo.
I've tried so many things from Proactive to toothpaste to scrubbing my face so much I feel like I don't have skin anymore. I've tried creams, cleansers, toners, moisturizers, scrubs, masks, and frankly I'M TIRED OF IT. I'm tired of the big, fat charade. I hate it--let me repeat--HATE IT when I go into stores, in particular makeup stores, they see my face, and then instantly think they have the INSTANT cure for my acne. And it's always from some lady who looks like she hasn't touched a pimple in her life. I'm talking about the people who think they know your skin and they really don't. So they put a bunch of crap on you or whatever, and say "Come back in a week and tell me how much you love iiiiiiit." First of all, these people don't understand acne. Second of all, they don't understand me. Everyone's different, so it make sense that everyone's skin is different, too. What works for some people won't work for all. Also, they don't get me. No matter how many times I tell them, "yes, I've tried that, it doesn't work," they seem convinced that whatever the crap they are putting on me will suddenly smite my acne I've had for YEARS. I don't mind people who actually know what they are doing and are experts. But I rarely run into these people.
I remember one time in high school, this stupid girl was staring at me on the bus. Flat out staring in the seat right in front of me. She suddenly told me "I wish I had some rubbing alcohol so I could rub it all over your face." D: Excuse me? Pimples aren't freaking WOUNDS, you can't just whip out some rubbing alcohol and put a Hello Kitty Bandaid over it and hope it goes away. She proceeded to tell me several times throughout the year that I could cure my acne by washing my wash (NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAY--I guess I should stop smearing my face with sewage) and by using rubbing alcohol. And of course this was from someone who probably never had acne. I never saw her with a single pimple. The thing was, I HAD used rubbing alcohol before Little Miss Shatty Information gave me that pleasant hint. I said I've tried everything, didn't I?
So anyway, I'm going to try and blog about some of my acne (mis)adventures. Here's my current skin care routine:
1. Lush Coal Face Soap
2. Aspirin and honey scrub mask (I don't do this too often because it's abrasive)
3. Lush Tea Tree Water spray
4. Lush Enzymion moisturizer
5. StriVectin-SD Eye Cream (to fight wrinkles and to also fight my under eye circles)
6. Proactive Refining Mask (as a night time spot treatment--I actually like this stuff because it takes away some of the redness and pain)
7. Sometimes I use extra virgin olive oil as a moisturizer when my face is suuuper dry, but I'm trying to just stick to the Lush products in the hopes that they will work well together.
8. Yes to Carrots lip balm. I actually switch my lip balm/lip gloss around quite often, but I like this kind because I enjoy the smell, the feel, and it's natural, I believe.
I think that's it. This is what I'm going to be using for a while to see if this combo works. I doubt it will because my acne is superspecialawesome at existing. I started on this regimen (I've used these products before, but not this combination exactly) about a couple days ago. I'm also going to TRY and use as little makeup (not including eye makeup) as possible, but it's hard when that's your only way of feeling somewhat okay with the way your skin looks.
Whoo! Long post! I guess that's okay since this is kinda an introduction post for my future acne blogs. :0
Thanks for reading! ;D
To begin, I've had acne for a long time. AND I MEAN A LONG TIME. I was thinking about it yesterday, and I realized I've suffered from it for over ten years or so. I started noticing acne when I hit puberty (around 13), and I haven't had a clear face since. I'm serious. I don't even KNOW what my face looks like clear. When I was a kid, and I wondered what I was going to look like as an adult, I didn't picture this. When I started getting acne REALLY bad (high school), I thought I'd grow out of it. I didn't think I'd be 23 and still have breakouts.
I always despised those episodes in shows where the girl or boy is going to prom, and she/he gets a "monster" of a pimple. Yeah, well, try having those all over your face. It sucks. It more than sucks, it ruins your life.
People who haven't had acne issues will never quite understand how painful it is. It literally feels like I have a bruise on my face for every pimple I have. If I have a zit near a spot on my face that moves a lot, like by my lips, it hurts every time I move my face, like a constant reminder of the creature in my skin. I'd say, however, it's a million times more painful emotionally. I've had low self-esteem for all my life, and although my self-esteem is a lot better now, it's still not that great. When I first meet someone, I think they are looking at my pimples, thinking I'm dirty or gross when in actually I'm obsessed with being clean. It really screws with your mind, and I want to be able to say that I'm beautiful and believe it, too.
But with these stupid pimples, I feel like I can't say that. Or if I do, I'm lying.
It doesn't help that I stress out a lot. I really want to work on that. I've noticed that my acne is worse with stress, as well as when my period comes along. Thanks a whole hell of a lot, Aunt Flo.
I've tried so many things from Proactive to toothpaste to scrubbing my face so much I feel like I don't have skin anymore. I've tried creams, cleansers, toners, moisturizers, scrubs, masks, and frankly I'M TIRED OF IT. I'm tired of the big, fat charade. I hate it--let me repeat--HATE IT when I go into stores, in particular makeup stores, they see my face, and then instantly think they have the INSTANT cure for my acne. And it's always from some lady who looks like she hasn't touched a pimple in her life. I'm talking about the people who think they know your skin and they really don't. So they put a bunch of crap on you or whatever, and say "Come back in a week and tell me how much you love iiiiiiit." First of all, these people don't understand acne. Second of all, they don't understand me. Everyone's different, so it make sense that everyone's skin is different, too. What works for some people won't work for all. Also, they don't get me. No matter how many times I tell them, "yes, I've tried that, it doesn't work," they seem convinced that whatever the crap they are putting on me will suddenly smite my acne I've had for YEARS. I don't mind people who actually know what they are doing and are experts. But I rarely run into these people.
I remember one time in high school, this stupid girl was staring at me on the bus. Flat out staring in the seat right in front of me. She suddenly told me "I wish I had some rubbing alcohol so I could rub it all over your face." D: Excuse me? Pimples aren't freaking WOUNDS, you can't just whip out some rubbing alcohol and put a Hello Kitty Bandaid over it and hope it goes away. She proceeded to tell me several times throughout the year that I could cure my acne by washing my wash (NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAY--I guess I should stop smearing my face with sewage) and by using rubbing alcohol. And of course this was from someone who probably never had acne. I never saw her with a single pimple. The thing was, I HAD used rubbing alcohol before Little Miss Shatty Information gave me that pleasant hint. I said I've tried everything, didn't I?
So anyway, I'm going to try and blog about some of my acne (mis)adventures. Here's my current skin care routine:
1. Lush Coal Face Soap
2. Aspirin and honey scrub mask (I don't do this too often because it's abrasive)
3. Lush Tea Tree Water spray
4. Lush Enzymion moisturizer
5. StriVectin-SD Eye Cream (to fight wrinkles and to also fight my under eye circles)
6. Proactive Refining Mask (as a night time spot treatment--I actually like this stuff because it takes away some of the redness and pain)
7. Sometimes I use extra virgin olive oil as a moisturizer when my face is suuuper dry, but I'm trying to just stick to the Lush products in the hopes that they will work well together.
8. Yes to Carrots lip balm. I actually switch my lip balm/lip gloss around quite often, but I like this kind because I enjoy the smell, the feel, and it's natural, I believe.
I think that's it. This is what I'm going to be using for a while to see if this combo works. I doubt it will because my acne is superspecialawesome at existing. I started on this regimen (I've used these products before, but not this combination exactly) about a couple days ago. I'm also going to TRY and use as little makeup (not including eye makeup) as possible, but it's hard when that's your only way of feeling somewhat okay with the way your skin looks.
Whoo! Long post! I guess that's okay since this is kinda an introduction post for my future acne blogs. :0
Thanks for reading! ;D
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